The Moment....By Beth

I am not sure what compelled me to stay up one night and write this, maybe the Lord knew I would want it one day. I tried my hardest to remember those hours, the emotion and words shared. Maybe this will give everyone a little glimpse of that moment, and the moments to come. You have joined us this far on the journey...this is how it all began. This was hard to write, and harder to post.


Waking up this morning I was anxious about everything to come. I picked out my black "yoga" skirt which is most comfortable since I feel that I am not showing but defiantly bloating! I am waiting for the clock to read 11:45am because I know that this is the time Kevin will be home to get me. I am so full of emotions, I am scared deep down inside that something is wrong, but I am trying hard to hold onto God's promises and how much this pregnancy has been a "God pregnancy" from the moment we found out. I decide that I am defiantly not hungry and that Kevin and I will grab something afterwards as a celebration to seeing our baby. I check my purse to make sure I have everything I need, look around the house to make sure it is picked up and clean and then head outside to wait for Kevin. As I see the white Honda come around the corner my heart rate increases as I know we are getting closer to the moment of finding out whether we will be having one baby or two. I can't believe it is happening to me, I can't believe it is my turn, and I can't believe that I am pregnant. I get in the car and Kevin immediately notices I am nervous for the appointment to come. Placing his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze he says "are you excited?"

"Yes, but nervous. You really think everything is okay?"

"I do Beth, this is our moment, we are going to see this pregnancy to the end, Don't worry."

We drive to the Doctors office and I was relieved I have not thrown up yet. Still feeling uneasy and nervous we walk into the office. We sit down and wait for our turn, and as quickly as we sat down Kim, my nurse was out to get us. After a quick stop to the bathroom for a urine check and a scale check, which I hate, we are in the room waiting for Dr. Arcara to come in. Today is a BIG day, it is not only our first official OBGYN appointment but i am pretty sure I am around 10 weeks pregnant, and am anticipating seeing a heart beat. Dr. Arcara does the usual exam, which felt like it took years and I asked her all about the different birth techniques. We laughed and joked about how big Kevin was as a baby and she said to prepare myself for a big baby!!! She was so encouraged by everything and before she got the ultra sound machine ready she looks at me with big eyes and a tender voice and says "lets see this baby guys.."

My heart was racing and I felt Kevin's hand on mine as we waited for her to get everything in the right spot. As I was looking at the screen I knew immediately that something was wrong. The beautiful little sac we had seen weeks before was missing and in its place was clusters of fluid invading my uterus. I saw Dr. Arcara turn the screen from us, and look more intently at what she was seeing, my heart rate begin to rise and my hopes and dreams began to fall.

"Something is wrong Dr. Arcara..." I said more as a statement then a question.

"yes, something is wrong."

"Did I miscarry?"

"No you did not miscarry..."

"Then it is a molar pregnancy, there is no baby..."

As the words left my mouth, my world stopped turning. Dr. Arcara looked up at me with an astounding look and said,

"how did you know that?"

"I just did."

I am not sure how I knew, maybe because of other circumstances in my life, or maybe because deep down inside the Lord was preparing me, or maybe because I already had a mothers intuition telling me something was wrong with my beautiful baby, all I know is that I knew.

My mind began to race and I tried my hardest to grasp the reality that was now being served to me.

"I am so sorry Kevin, I am so so sorry," that was the only thing I knew to say to the person whose dreams were also coming to an end.

Dr. Arcara let me sit up and gave me a minute to grasp what was going on. She kept saying how sorry she was, but it was not her fault, it was nobodies fault, it just happened.

I kept telling myself that maybe I was dreaming, I would wake up and this would all be a terrible nightmare, but with each passing second I knew I was not going to wake up, this was a night mare, but a nightmare I was going to live.

Dr. Arcara left the room and Kevin and I wept.

"Lord please give us strength, we will praise you because you are a good God. Give us strength to once again walk this journey." I called my mom trying my hardest to help her understand what was going on, telling her repeatedly that we were going to be okay. We are going to be okay.

Dr. Arcara comes in with her medical book and begins to explain just what it is that we are going through. An egg without a chromosome was fertilized by a Y sperm, (It would have been a boy!!!), because the egg did not have a chromosome the Y sperm kept trying to fertilize, and in return filling my uterus with unwanted fluid. Words like, cancer, and not being able to try, and never a baby, were throne at my door step for me to sort out and grasp. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my lungs checked, how overwhelming, and then wait four days for the surgery. What would we do for four days? "Stop walking, take it easy, don't over due it, and if you begin to bleed come straight to the emergency room...we are so sorry... "

Everything from this moment on is a blur. I had to sign all kinds of paper work, stating that I recognize that I am no longer a prenatal patient, now I am a high risk pregnancy. Once again my hopes and dreams being ripped from my hands, again. What I had feared most was coming true, what path I did not want to walk, I was being asked to walk again.

We walked out of the doctors office and to our car. I could not get in, I could not move forward, I could not embrace what I was just told. I sat down under a huge tree and let the moment embrace me. Kevin called our friend and pastor for prayer and I once again called my mom trying to give her as much detail as I could. Kevin and I once again found ourselves in each others arms, overcome with grief with heavy hearts. We made our way up to the hospital for the pre-opp meeting, and the X-rays of my chest. As we drove home I wept once again. We walked into our house and the journey had begun. There was no turning back, there were no choices to be made, there were no what ifs about it, this was the moment of truth, would we praise God in the moment and days to come?

2 pink lines

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to convince myself that what I was about to see was a dream. I look down at the white stick with a small open window and there staring back at me were 2 vivid pink lines. I had studied the intructions over and over as I waited for my result, but I hoped that I had been so nervous that I memorized the wrong words. I looked at the box and located the image that matched my results. Written definitely and mockingly was the one word that changed my life forever. Positive.

This could not be. This test was just a precaution to put my mind at ease. A small change in appetite and all I wanted was the reassurance that my worst nightmare had not become reality.

As my mind raced and as those two pink lines burned unto my corneas, my knees gave out support and let me body fall, shaking to the ground. I was too shocked to cry. My quivering hand reached for my phone. I could not deal with this news myself. I couldn't call anyone in my family and admit this. Fresh out of drug rehabilitation and finally doing well; I couldn't bear to tell anyone. I slowly dialed the number of my best friend Brian. Each ring was a century.

He answered with enthusiasm, until I weakly said his name. His voice went from excited to concerned instantly.
"What is going on?" he said seriously.
"I'm pregnant," I forced out and as they hit my ears they didn't seem real. My heart sunk down to the floor with me and all I could do was cry. It real and I had just admitted it for the first time.

"I will be there in twenty minutes," was all he said and hung up the phone. I sat on the floor wondering what I should do. I called my "best friend," my "other half" hoping for someone to talk me through this. Again, I let the words slip quivering from my mouth all I got in response was silence. I heard one phrase.

"How could you do this to me?" Click.

At this point, my faith was nonexistent. I cursed The Lord's name and wept for a guidance. All of my outlets, all of my escapes, my drugs, my cutting, my comfort, we intangible. How could I hurt this life? If it even was a life. No official decision on that end had come. I still didn't know if I wanted it to be true so I denied it.

An hour later my mom came home and I cautiously saunted up the stairs. She was unpacking the groceries that we could barely even afford. I took my place on the counter as her face scrunched. She had come with me to purchase the test and I had explained that it is just a precaution so we can be sure.

"It's positive," I mumbled. The sound of plastic bags rustling stopped abruptly. I couldn't bring myself to look at her so I continued to stare at the floor. She grabbed the counter and sighed.

"Ok," she said absently. I looked up and met her eyes which had gone serious, "You are not living in my house and raising a baby." Awesome. Another supportive response. I began to cry and she went through every consequence of this "mistake."
"We can barely support ourselves. How are we going to support a child? And what about your future? Are you just going to throw college away? I thought we were done with all of this. I thought you had done every rebellious thing you could think of, but I guess I was wrong!"

I tuned her out as I texted the father of this newly discovered child. "We need to talk," was all i could manage to type. I knew his reaction would be similar to those of my "greatest supports."

5 minutes later he called my phone.
"What's up?" he said nonchalantly. No concern. I sighed and I could hear his breathe stop on the other end.
"I just too a pregnancy test," I said. It was more difficult to utter the words to the other half of this. There was no love between us and we both knew it. If this truly was what those two pink lines said it was, there would be no support from his end.
"Yeah." he said, a little nervous.
"And it's positive," I breathed, hoping that by not actually saying it, it would become false.
"Ok?" he sighed, his voice cracking. I waited for further response.
"And it's yours." No response, " Hello?"
"Um let me call you back." Click again. Wow, I never expected a good response to this news but I expected at least something, from at least someone. A bombardment of horrid text message came from the father and I was floored. Everything from, "your a slut," to "that bastard isn't mine" and tons of others.

I came back to reality to my mom still babbling about how this was a disaster and she had thought I'd changed. I did. From drugs, from bad friends, but pregnancy, I thought this would fall into a different category.

Pink lines. Stupid pink lines. All I could think as I stared at those damn pink lines was how is this going to pan out. I went to sleep early that night hoping that I would wake up from a nightmare, but no such thing happened.